some things new

changes..changes...i see em as a new perspective...just something to awaken me...

it's been ages since ive updated this blog that even the template pix is no longer valid/appearing...

about 3 weeks ago, my car was at its last straw..it scared the crap out of me and kimmie when it stalled multiple times on us all the way from cal poly pomona to paula's grad lunch and heading home..the infiniti dealership couldnt figure out the problem since no computer error code would display and our local shop technician tried cleaning the air filter which didnt do any good either..mike was trying to fix it up himself..but no good...

well getting a new car was definitely not in my plans...far from it..i was ever so willing to sacrifice my dream for a convertible in hopes of getting my loft in a few years...well it's just totally difficult not having a car here in CA even with the convenience of commuting via train to work..weekends n stuff just so limited..of course, this lead me to researching my best options for a car replacement...affordable and a convertible..were my main requirements..so i looked into craigslist for this mr2 spyder..it's used since they stopped making em...but since i was selling an iffy conditioned car myself on craigslist..karma might just backfire on me n i saw the risks of getting a car from craigslist myself...so i checked out this used audi a4 cabriolet which i had been eyeing..well, engine sounded bad and uh-oh hehe i saw a used mini cooper convertible 06 on the same lot..ever since then it captured me..

funny thing was mini coopers never appealed to me..strange but i always thought they were too tiny and girly..aha! after all the research on financial rates and what i can afford...i visited a mini dealership with my dad..just to car window shop n hopefully string the salesmen along n get them to give me an awesome deal on my next visit..haha..let's just say after 6 long hrs haha i came out with my "myni" cooper n had the porter drive out the model showroom car for myself teehee..ever since then im in love and call out, "hi twinsie" to my fellow mini's on the streets hehe...

and another major change..i'm officially moving into my new apartment..july 3rd has come and that's my move-in date..i found an awesome deal for this luxury apt in little tokyo, downtown la from craigslist.. this lady is breaking her lease and is paying 2 months of my rent..never would i ever be able to afford a $1595 freaking STUDIO every month..the awesome part is that i get to have a sense of what it's like living in downtown LA which was my original plan when i can afford my own loft...and i can take a quarter dash ride to work or even start an awesome walking exercise uphill to work daily..with the heat n all not sure if i should start it anytime soon..

anyway, these changes will definitely perk things up for me..it has definitely made me see the brighter side of things recently..i have been worrying about too many things for the past months....seeing the downside n just overthinking things..like some have said, i just need a new hobby..my new hobby is being broke n prioritizing my finances hehe...that's fine by me...in my cute myni hehe

i need to grow up...i want to scream...i need to just be...i want to become...whoever i think i should be...

i've been living a life...half unsaid...half child-like...halfway to living like my real self...

i'm on the verge of explosion...snapping at practically almost everything...

one morning, my co-worker mentioned that I looked upset..that same night, a friend asked me over the phone if I was distressed...i guess it really does show...

my problems may seem petty compared to others but they're my issues...and they're just piling up and eating me inside...

so finally, i've broken my parents' idea of a perfect child, their only girl..yada yada...n we're still keeping it unsaid, unresolved...it's only been confirmed but neither of us have fully accepted it...

work is going as it should...even more work...but my problem isnt that there's more work to do..in fact, that makes work even just better having more work = productivity...but i'm sensing something else different...somehow, i feel that my mgr is behaving differently with me...gone was the daily uber-friendly hi's n hello's...it's become sporadic and i'm not sure but i know there's been a big change..n i kinda don't like it..i feel like i've somehow done something wrong to cause that rift...strange i know..maybe it's just my paranoid self..but there are just some things that we can sense and this is one of them...maybe i've said too much things at work...maybe i've offended or insulted him somehow..i'm not sure...just concerns me that's all since he was always encouraging...he hasn't been mean or anything negative at all...just lacking of the positivity i guess...

all in all..my biggest flaw is and always will be my lack of self-esteem...i just don't believe in myself too much...which has been evident in the issues above...keeping my relationship a secret from my parents..if i had been so self-assured that i'm a responsible adult why have i been so scared to reveal that part of me..my brother was right..what can they do about me having a bf...i've done the things an adult should be responsible for..i've graduated and working a decent job...i could prollie afford to live a simple life on my own...so why all that fear...and with work, i've proven myself as a packager and a team member all these times which is why i've been held back by my team and mgrs to stay within the company..yet i still always have that feeling that i'm unqualified...

this is my life...i'm a scared girl living in a world too big for me that i fear to live life as i would like to...or maybe i just dont know how i should live my life..and that i've been living my life the way people have told me to..how ideally it would be great this and that..and i've accomplished some of "this and that" yet i've also done some of "this and that" that may be seen as not ideal..so i've kept these things unsaid and it's aaaAAHHH!!!

leave me alone but i dont want to be alone...let me be but then who should i be? i dont make sense...that i know much about myself...

i guess i'm just like my parents..like my mom...feeling the need to get everyone's approval and compliments...like my dad...stubborn and ambitious...so which side of me is really me?

i need to grow up...i want to scream...i need to just be...i want to become...whoever i think i should be...

i've been living a life...half unsaid...half child-like...halfway to living like my real self...

i'm on the verge of explosion...snapping at practically almost everything...

one morning, my co-worker mentioned that I looked upset..that same night, a friend asked me over the phone if I was distressed...i guess it really does show...

my problems may seem petty compared to others but they're my issues...and they're just piling up and eating me inside...

so finally, i've broken my parents' idea of a perfect child, their only girl..yada yada...n we're still keeping it unsaid, unresolved...it's only been confirmed but neither of us have fully accepted it...

work is going as it should...even more work...but my problem isnt that there's more work to do..in fact, that makes work even just better having more work = productivity...but i'm sensing something else different...somehow, i feel that my mgr is behaving differently with me...gone was the daily uber-friendly hi's n hello's...it's become sporadic and i'm not sure but i know there's been a big change..n i kinda don't like it..i feel like i've somehow done something wrong to cause that rift...strange i know..maybe it's just my paranoid self..but there are just some things that we can sense and this is one of them...maybe i've said too much things at work...maybe i've offended or insulted him somehow..i'm not sure...just concerns me that's all since he was always encouraging...he hasn't been mean or anything negative at all...just lacking of the positivity i guess...

all in all..my biggest flaw is and always will be my lack of self-esteem...i just don't believe in myself too much...which has been evident in the issues above...keeping my relationship a secret from my parents..if i had been so self-assured that i'm a responsible adult why have i been so scared to reveal that part of me..my brother was right..what can they do about me having a bf...i've done the things an adult should be responsible for..i've graduated and working a decent job...i could prollie afford to live a simple life on my own...so why all that fear...and with work, i've proven myself as a packager and a team member all these times which is why i've been held back by my team and mgrs to stay within the company..yet i still always have that feeling that i'm unqualified...

this is my life...i'm a scared girl living in a world too big for me that i fear to live life as i would like to...or maybe i just dont know how i should live my life..and that i've been living my life the way people have told me to..how ideally it would be great this and that..and i've accomplished some of "this and that" yet i've also done some of "this and that" that may be seen as not ideal..so i've kept these things unsaid and it's aaaAAHHH!!!

leave me alone but i dont want to be alone...let me be but then who should i be? i dont make sense...that i know much about myself...

living w/ parents

my gut feeling was to stay at my present job and yet ive always acted on my feelings to impress my parents...it doesnt seem like it because i always argue w/ them, talk back, but u know, if u see the pattern...i try to be what they want me to be...

so my parents feel that ideal job is a gov't job...you can retire in 20 yrs and just chill...

but they dont see how good i've got it at my company...they're not the ones who go to work everyday...i know i'll never find out how it is at that city of la job and how can i assume i wont like it if i dont give a try, right?!  well, that's just like asking me to risk losing this great thing i have right now w/ capital for something unknown...

so ever since this job offer and desicion making phase, my father and i haven't been in such good terms...he's been "pushing" for the govt...i've been explaining myself about capital...but why do i bother...not only will he never find out how my company is, but why do i have to explain my own career choice..it's my life...

i know my parents have sacrificed a lot for me and that they're there to look out for me...but they're supposed to just guide me and leave me to make my own mistakes or help me prevent making them...but not decide it for me...

if this is a mistake, then it's a mistake i've made for myself..it's my fault and something that i have to live with...

in addition, my dad gives me another guilt to worry about how i've been spending too much time w/ friends, going out a lot and resulting to having no savings...

sometimes, i wish for my own place in irvine...a little bit away but not too far...that freedom to do anything and yet missing them and looking forward to spending time with them on weekends...now, it has gone to--what did i do wrong this time? am i going out too much that my dad will make a huge argument from this...which has been happening quite a lot..ahhh! i'm seriously dying inside...i know i am overdoing it by going out a lot but c'mon...i think i'm being responsible enough by doing well at work, paying the bills the mortgage, not having any vices...c'mon i deserve this immaturity by going out and having fun...i'm bored...lately ive been looking for something more...i want to travel and do something different, adventurous or whatever...

sometimes i wish...i could just be carefree...the person who lives by the moment...

a person who is willing to take a risk and be happy with whatever consequences that lie ahead...i wish i had that passion inside me...to know what i really want and to go for it...because i've been taking the safe route...and i hate myself for that

life's been a rollercoaster

life's been a rollercoaster...

i've given my piece on moving on...and i second guessed myself all over again...

it's hard...i finally made my decision in the end w/o letting my parents know before i committed...i hate how i'm so unsure of myself...that every lil thing i always have to ask practically everyone on how they feel and what i should do...when it all boils down to, it's my life and it's my choice to make...

i tend to ask people for advice or their insight..and for some reason, i just use that as a way to argue/justify my side of the story...

this career choice has been driving me crazy...i know i'm an adult and i have to decide for myself but i just want to be a kid and be told what to do and yet....it wont work out because as a kid, i've always been stubborn...

i was chicken!!! i admit...i'm embarrassingly scared of what's out there in store for me...

i finally verbally resigned from my work on tuesday...i confronted my boss in a very awkward manner and w/o even uttering the words...he said, "do u want to quit?"  i guess he could sense how uneasy i was and i've never had to ask for a private moment to speak with him....even more awkward...i ended up riding the bus w/ him on the way to the train station...i told him about the pressure from family and friends...well, mostly it's pressure from family and well, from friends those were advice i had asked for...everyone was for taking a step forward and most esp, the stability in gov't jobs...

as immature as it is, i'm not looking to stability just yet...i'm more into my "comfort zone" and whether i look forward to going to work everyday...i see and hear a lot of stories how work is tough, boring, i am so not looking forward to yet another work day...but i dont feel that at my office...the only aspect that i dont look forward to is having to publicly speak or present--but i need to overcome this fear anyhow...

the head of the dept phone me right after my chat w/ my mgr and had asked me to reconsider...that night..i couldnt sleep..i thought i had made my final decision and just needed to gather enough guts to get it done and over with...so i stayed up writing 2 versions of my resignation letter..one professional ver for HR purposes and the other one for my mgr and the team as a farewell...

wed morning...my mgr read me my 1 yr review and it surprised me...totally unexpected...my mgr expressed how i should've waited to hear my review and notified me of my promotion...the head of HR also came by to sort of talk me out of leaving...

i know i originally said, money is not a factor to my decision...but when my mgr showed me how much they were offering for me to stay...i was speechless...so i just thought right then and there, this salary raise can counter how my parents feel about salaries and job stability...and i can stay where i want to be...hopefully that will keep all parties happy...

i know after all this...i shouldn't look back and just keep moving forward..stand by my final decision...

i called the city of la that day (wed)to retract my acceptance...friday afternon, i get a call from my would've been supervisor...he's asked if i could reconsider and take a tour of the place and see if it's the job for me...i didn't say it was too late...so i accepted his offer..i know i already committed to staying at my present job...i know i'm taking a big risk by looking back to go see the city of la job but i'd like to find out what i'd be missing..

then few yrs down the line, i just might give it another try...i prollie shouldnt pull this "i'm still young" card but i am anyway...at this stage of my life, i will make tons of mistakes and each mistake will help me mature...i'm still clueless whether i want to be an engineer or pursue business/mgmt...

i like to think that i welcome challenges...but when i look back, i'm not sure how much i enjoyed my engineering classes..i enjoyed the idea of becoming an engineer but totally pursuing it...i'm not sure after all...with business, i've had that in my blood since grade school...ive fundraised things or even sold things just for the fun of it...the adrenaline rush and stress i welcomed...

so if i take detour or totally get lost from the engineering career path...i can go ahead and pursue that MBA i had originally planned...Capital will help me in that process...working in an investment firm is just the key to getting into a more business field with technical bg.